5 Pies

Reviewed by Limey

Plot Summary

A young Michael Myers escalates from torturing small helpless animals to killing his entire family on Halloween night. Years later, he means to finish what he began.

Review

I am at a loss for words.

I suppose I should begin by saying that while I reacted much the same as every other horror buff when I first heard that they would be remaking genre classic ‘Halloween’, over time I grew more receptive to the idea and even began to believe that it could prove me totally wrong and be a good film.

However, I am at a loss for words because it instead chose to prove me totally right.

The first half of this film is about as badly scripted, poorly acted and shoddily filmed as it could be. The cliché origins that they have decided to bestow upon Michael Myers could have been lifted from any number of earlier movies, books, television shows, or any other storytelling media you care to mention.

Yes, I know that these things happen in real life, I know that clichés and stereotypes have to come from somewhere, but I have complained about movies choosing these tired roots for their characters before and I have no intention of contradicting myself here. I also know how difficult these situations are to depict convincingly on screen and that they completely fail to do so here.

Not only do the playground bullies, slutty sister, sluttier mother and drunken stepfather all come across as cartoons, but their actions are in no way severe enough for me to believe they created the violent, murderous little boy we are introduced to.

All of the above is conveyed with about as much subtlety as a branch around the head, with heavy handed direction and actors spitting out spotty and profanity laced dialogue. And then those behind this mess of an opening segment move into John Carpenter territory and I…

I am at a loss for words.

Quotes:

Dr. Samuel Loomis - These eyes will deceive you, they will destroy you. They will take from you, your innocence, your pride, and eventually your soul. These eyes do not see what you and I see. Behind these eyes one finds only blackness, the absence of light. These are the eyes of a psychopath.

Michael Myers (Aged 10): (crying) I wanna go home.
Dr. Loomis: You can't go home.
Michael Myers (Aged 10): Why?
Dr. Loomis: Because you've done terrible things.

Spook Factor: ½ Pie

There is nothing eerie or hair raising here. Just brutality. It will disgust some whilst creep out others. You will remember it and there is a good chance that it will unnerve half of you for quite a while.

Antagonist: ½ Pie

Hey, it’s Michael Myers. He does what we all expect of him and you can’t help but love him for it. However, by giving us an extended view of the Shape as a child, you neuter him of his most effective weapons – his mystery and his emptiness.

Story: ½ Pie

In their attempts to expand upon the story of the original, the crew here have actually reduced the impact and overall effectiveness of the story. Less is more. Making the story that of Michael rather than that of Laurie was also a mistake.

Acting: ½ Pie

Malcolm McDowell found himself a pie. After eating a quarter of it himself, he then gave a third of the remaining pie to his co-stars and was left with just the ½ Pie to show for himself. The two Michaels were portrayed well but they just weren’t enough to convince me to up the score.

Directing: ¼ Pie

I never did understand why the announcement of Rob Zombie as director fanned the glimmer of hope for some people as they awaited this movie. It felt like amateur hour to me. He clearly thought he was doing something clever and interesting throughout, but all he really achieved was some of the most overbearing and clumsy direction I have seen in a long time.

Soundtrack: ½ Pie

The classic score was as classy as ever, but the new score was sadly lacking. Even sadder is how poorly that classic score was used. When the first play of the immortal ‘Halloween’ theme completely fails to give you chills, you know something is wrong.

Special Effects: ¾ Pie

Well, you can’t fault it really. The blood and guts look like blood and guts and they look like they are coming from the victims. I just feel weird giving a full Pie when that’s all there is to a movies ‘Special Effects’.

Gore: ¾ Pie

There sure is lots and lots of gore throughout this movie which, for gore hounds, is great. I myself also appreciate good gore, so it gets its marks, but I also appreciate gore I care about. Here half of it is pointless and gratuitous; the other half is created with characters I couldn’t give a damn about.

Replay, Rewatch, Rewind: ½ Pie

I see no reason for watching this movie by myself again anytime soon. However, I’ll probably see it with others when the home release comes by, and it (maybe) has a place in any future Halloween/ ‘Halloween’ night you or I may be planning.

Pros

A credible Dr. Loomis, a convincing Michael Myers, and an ample amount of gore, all backed up by the legendary soundtrack.

Cons

A tired back story, a gaggle of irritating teens, and pointless gore, all backed up by the simplistic and pushy new score. And bad directing. And bad dialogue. And…

Final Word

Here we have an unnecessary remake that really needed more time in development to work through its problems. As it is, what made it to the screen was an unconvincing and shallow attempt to ‘re-imagine’ a movie that didn’t need re-imagining. See it, though maybe wait for rental. They have done terrible, terrible things.